Positive Submission

End of the line....

2007-04-23T22:44:00.000Z

I’ve shared some great times on Positive Submission, and some not so good times. But sadly, it doesn’t feel like the home it used to. I don’t feel as comfortable as I always have before.

So, it’s time for me to move home.

I have a new blog ‘Embracing my Submission’ where I plan to explore my submission, and share my life further, hopefully taking old friends along with me to my new abode. So please bookmark and update any links to me.

www.embracingmysubmission.blogspot.com

Thank you everyone for all everything we’ve shared on Positive Submission. I have an amazing future in so many ways, and hope to share that with you all too. I will be keeping this site live, because I do have good memories here. On my new site I intend to be more 'me', not try to match people's expectations of me.

May we share much more on ‘Embracing my Submission’.

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Happiness is.....

2007-04-21T22:38:00.000Z

Today....

** playing with the girls
** older daughter having a haircut and colour that she loves!
** younger daughter going to a birthday party and having a wonderful time
** serving roasted salmon with a honey glaze, garlic italian roast potatoes, followed by the most gorgeous italian chocolate truffle torte
** receiving a wonderful phone call from two great friends in Canada
** receiving another wonderful phone call from a certain Someone who is away for the weekend on a Scout camping trip but was thinking of me and wanted to say hi

......and knowing that tomorrow will be more of the same

*smiles

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Self confidence....

2007-04-19T08:01:00.000Z

I had a lovely talk with a friend last night, and caught up on lots of news with each other. One piece of news that I passed on to her, which I hadn't mentioned here was that I'd entered a 'Serve' competition last week. The chat room/information group to which I belong ran the competition, hoping to bring back the pride in online serve writing, which is often made fun of.

Yes - it's cyber - and I know too many people who will scorn that. But it's a beautiful way of expressing oneself - the same as we do in our blogs. An online serve isn't supposed to be 'practical and real'......it's more about the expression, the description, the grace portrayed.

There were about ten or eleven serves entered, all performed in the room in front of about forty people. A couple of Doms did serves, a male subbie, some gor serves, and me !! I was just proud that I entered. For me to have the self confidence to do that in a public chat room is a big step.

I performed the serve for a certain Someone - he apparently sat there gob smacked - speechless - open mouthed at it (way to shut a Dom up !!). It wasn't Gor - it was 'me', incorporating things that were personal to us both after our last meet. After the serve, everyone in room was applauding, congratulating etc etc.....one Dom even gave me a standing ovation *grins.

And I won.

And no-one was more surprised than me.

I was so proud just to have entered - winning was the icing on the cake.

*smiles

On the home front, hubby went back to work two weeks ago, then the girls had their easter holidays, so for the last ten weeks I've had somebody at home with me during the day.

On Tuesday the girls went back to school, and the house feels so empty !!!

It's not as if I'm bored (on the very rare occasions when I have nothing to do, I find something) but the house feels like a ghost ship. I've taken to bringing the dogs upstairs for company when I'm in my office - one lies under the desk on top of my feet, the other across the doorway. I think it's a canine conspiracy to makedamn sure they know where I am - lying on my feet so I can't stand up, blocking the door in case I try to make a getaway!!

I'll get used to it again, but at the moment it feels so strange.

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Blogging Awards

2007-04-18T08:00:00.000Z

'clare sure does belong on this list! We've laughed together, cried together. She did help me to learn so much and she made me think about myself. What I could and could not do. I love her humor, the way she cares. I think clare might be considered a bit hot sometimes by some people, but there is a lot of sweet beneath that hot. I think people can learn from her, she is a fighter and that is a quality I love!'

smiles...lessa nominated me for the Thinking Bloggers award on Monday, and I'm very proud that she did. Bu I have to admit that I had a chuckle at people thinking I'ma bit hot !! *looks down at the pegged breasts photo below....hmmm...yes...well.....lol.

To those mentioned next, if you wish to continue the chain, here are the rules:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to five blogs that make you think.

2. Link to this post - http://www.thethinkingblog.com/2007/02/thinking-blogger-awards_11.html so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote (silver or gold, your choice)

I'm only going to nominate two blogs, because the others which I read regularly which haven't already been nominated are on a private webring, so not generally accesible.

The two Im going to nominate are kaya and subtle slave. Both incredibly strong strong women, both living with their Master 24/7, but such amazingly different people.

kaya has take us through a pain and pleasure filled life, and also shown the depth of the love and commitment in her relationship, and shared day to day struggles with us. subtle slave has documented struggles, joy, the pleasures (?) *grins of labia rings and padlocks.........and given a wonderful insight to her life.

Those are two of the public blogs that I check into every day - they help me to realise how different all situations, and all people are, and it's lovely to see a regular dose of real life BDSM.....not a theory on how 'its supposed to be'.

Than you both for the joy you've given me in reading your blogs, and thank you lessa for the nomination. It meant a lot.

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And the correct answer is?????

2007-04-15T18:29:00.000Z

Ok.....what is the correct response when your 44 year old, totally nilla husband asks for a special present for his 50th birthday....

....a threesome with another girl?????

a) Grin and say, 'oh yes !! I've loved it every other time I've done it !!'

b) Bring out an address book and flick through it, saying 'nope....she doesn't like giving blow jobs....nope.....she was too shy last time'

c) Blush like crazy, mutter about you wouldn't know how on EARTH to arrange somthing like that and find some really urgent cleaning that needs doing somewhere well away from him !!

Need a clue which one I used??? *grins

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And of course.....

2007-04-06T18:33:00.000Z

.....they hurt me much more coming off !!!

*grins

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Return to normality....

2007-04-03T18:11:00.000Z

Hubby went back to work today. It's hard to believe that its seven weeks tomorrow since he had his hip replacement.

I was worried about how we'd cope together - we knew it would be at least six weeks, nd we're not used to being together 24/7 like that. But I have to say, it's been great. We've got closer, we only had one argument in all that time, and we're far sronger for having been through it.

And I'll admit - I really, really missed him today.

We met with my daughter's school on Friday- and a breakthrough !! They're doing an enormous amount to get her the support she needs through her GCSEs this summer. The deputy head to whom I spoke actually gave me the answers that I've been trying to get for months. She was so happy as we left the school....she burst out crying.

And I'm currently planning my next visit with my friend.......I think it's going to be a lot different this time *smiles. My ass is still sore and bruised with lots of welts - I'm amazed that I can still feel it, I rarely get any 'memory pain' *grins. I have some beautiful pictures of our play session, but we're hoping to do more next time. We got so into the play that we forgot to actually take the photos !! We're planning on visiting a friend, so will be a lovely day trip, I get to take a picnic again (strawberries and cream have been requested!!) and we may be making a slight detour *weg.

Things are pretty much on an even keel right now, and I'm fervently hoping that it will stay that way for some time to come.

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Play time....

2007-03-30T17:13:00.000Z

Last night was my meeting with my friend....and the nerves and excitement got worse as the day wore on *smiles.

We ended up meeting earlier than expected and we decided to spend the night together too, instead of me going home then coming back again this morning. So a lovely session from about 4pm til the early hours of the morning with a break for the hamper that I'd taken, and then starting again at about 6am for a few hours.

It was heaven. Everything that I love, plus new things I hadn't yet tried. And photos too *smiles. Flogging, caning, cuffs, collar, cropping, candles, pegs, chains, a rope bra, clingfilm, a hair bondage, cigarettes, latex gloves....(oh WOW!!!!!), spreader bar, pussy and breast torture........................I lost track of how many times, and how many positions I was tied in.

One of the most intense things was having play done on me with a latex glove covered hand over my mouth....unable to speak, ordered not to move or cum until he said - when I was finally, finally given permission to move and to 'release' it was exquisite.....absolute heaven.

I also had a 'no mercy' caning. With a thin, extremely whippy cane - and they're not my favorite toy. But I'd asked for it - and once I'd agreed to it again - and set up safety signs in case of emergency - I got it. A full strength caning that left me actually asking for a gag - not something I do. I took his best shots, and apparently really surprised him at how well I took them and presented myself for the next strike. And I have absolutely wonderful welts to show for it *smiles.

I also got a barrage of 'gifts' from Dom friends. *grins. My first of many spanking sessions included, 'and these are from XXX.......these are from YYY.......and ZZZ asked me to give you ten of my hardest !!'

He played very hard, gave wonderful sensual play too, great aftercare and took no nonsense from me - those cheeky remarks that just slip out (eg oh poor BOY! when he hurt his hand!) were swiftly dealt with.

But we had so much fun - laughing, playing, teasing, begging (me, not him *winks)......and so many more things to try on our next meet *smiles.

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Exams.....

2007-03-30T17:10:00.000Z

The exams that hubby and I sat last weekend, for pub licensing etc...

WE PASSED THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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My little Star

2007-03-28T08:46:00.000Z

My baby performed in her recorder festival last night - and she did sooo well !

Fifteen schools took part, and they were joined by an internationally famous recorder player/artist - it was sheer joy to see her so proud and happy on that stage.

But do you know what I admire most about her? Her patience. They had to practice for eight hours yesterday, and rehearse the show, and a lot of that time was actually just sitting there listening to the speeches, and to other schools performing. She did incredibly well, and I'm so proud of her.

Her mother, however, does not share that same patience. This past week, I've had so much going on real time, that I haven't had much time to think about my upcoming meet with my friend. But now....it's tomorrow!!

I have always got really nervous and excited before a meet - whether it's someone I belonged to, or a first meet. Even before going to a play party with a group of friends, including my Master or Mentor - friends have seen how incredibly nervous I get.

I think I'll clean the entire house today - just to get my mind off the meet !! I've already started packing my bag, and have a few more things to add to it.

Grins...wondering...should I pack the painkillers??

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Exams over

2007-03-26T09:04:00.000Z

Exams are over and we just have to wait for the results now.

The weekend was pretty hard. Ok...really hard. Having to ferry the girls to various relatives while we were at the course, the course itself, the homework, the revision. I'm feeling sooo tired at the minute. Hubby is the same. So at least I know it's not just me being lazy, lol.

The sexy thoughts turn up at the strangest times ! In the coure we were being advised to use latex gloves in certin health situations.....and I got all hot and bothered at the thought of the gloves. Having the tutor point me out to the class as being confident, friendly, outgoing....'and in total control of any situation'....'she will not allow anyone else to dominate a situation'.......they never did understand why I laughed so much at that !

It's only three days till my meet with my friend now, and I've come to the conclusion that all Doms are evil when it comes to teasing a girl about impending play. He has the pre-requisite sadisic streak (I like my sadists) but a very caring side too, leaving me lovely messages to come home to after my exams. It's great - no pretending, no wondering if he really means what he says, no wondering if someone else is really ok with what's happening.

And I'm counting down the days !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I might even.....contrary to what the tutor said......allow him to dominate the situation *big grins and hides !!!!!

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UPDATE - erm.......he WILL dominate the situation.....and my ass is on the line for that comment !!! smiles sweetly and blows a kiss

Cuddles needed !!

2007-03-24T18:49:00.000Z

Today and tomorrow I'm studying for and sitting the exams to get a licensing qualification which I need to be able to manage a pub. I've been revising for ages, but I have to say that the exams were a lot harder than I expected.

Apparently the exam is the worst that the invigilators have seen yet...very ambiguous questions with no definitive right or wrong all down to opinion, and these exams are supposed to be a straight forward answer - its about law.

I have to wait 7 - 10 days to find out the results.....I can only keep my fingers crossed now.

All day studying, with them ramming info into our heads......only one break for lunch...I'm exhausted !! And the same again tomorrow.

An early night for me I think, after a long cuddle with my babies.

And my husband. *smiles

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Tired...

2007-03-21T23:08:00.000Z

I'll admit to feeling tired lately. Looking after hubby, revising for my licensee training course this weekend, the usual family things, extra dance/exercise sessions....today I ended up in bed for quite a while as I think things had probably built up on me.

The ongoing fight with my daughter's school shows no signs of ending - it's given me such a mistrust of educational establishments and sometimes made me feel sick to the stomach.

On the bright side, next week I'm attending my younger daughter's first recorder festival. My older girl has done this for several years, but this will be my baby's debut *smile. Hubby goes to see his consultant on Tuesday when he will hopefully get good news about his hip - he's done so well in his recovery. He's currently walking about a mile, four times a day. Truly unbelievable.

And I also meet a friend next week for coffee and play. Someone I've known for a long time in our chatrooms, we've planned a meet...so definitely something to look forward to *smiles. And the day after our meet, I'm expected to 'sit down' for conferences with various members of management at my daughters review day !! For once, the pained expression on my face won't be at hearing their excuses - it will be from a sore ass!!! Ohhh..counting down the days ! *grins

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Happy Mothers' Day

2007-03-18T17:20:00.000Z

Happy Mothers' Day to everyone !!

I've had a busy but lovely day so far, visiting family, time with the girls etc. They've bought me flowers and one of my favourite perfumes *smiles. I'm a lucky woman.

We went to visit my Aunty today. She was never able to have kids, so for as long as I can remember I've bought her Mothers' Day cards and presents. She's always been there for me ...a lovely lady. She still can't accept sometimes that I'm 'all grown up' - she'll often remind me to make sure seat belts are fastened on the girls, and that I should wear a woollen vest in winter (I don't think silk basques and bodices would quite match her expectations!!).

I played badminton this morning (sooo tempted to call REDREDRED after 45 minutes!!), then went visiting. Two more visits left and a family party that I'm leaving for in a few minutes. And in my case, family parties mean extra baking *grins - I'm always the one nominated to bring cakes and desserts!!! *laughing

We all went to see my hubby's nan yesterday. She's in a nursing home, very frail, and occsionally on a drip. To see him with her - how he talks with her, cares for her - makes my heart flip. He's wonderful like that. I really can't explain how he makes me feel, when I see him with her. I think in any relationship, seeing the softer side of someone helps you to apreciate them more....seeing their 'whole self'. All the men with whom I've been involved in D/s have had massive hearts when it comes to their families, and that's one of the things that makes them so special.

So I'm off now, to a party where the kids will all throw themselves at us (5 nieces and nephews), my sisters in law will get tipsy, and the men will all discuss football and their shared views on Man U !!

And I wouldn't change it for the world. *smiles softly.

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Get a life

2007-03-12T23:02:00.000Z

I occasionally - very rarely - post on a blog I visit. To post on there I created a account in the name Dragonsfox.

Since DragonM and I parted company, I have posted maybe twice on that blog, the entries appearing under the original Dragonsfox nick. This automatically happens, I just sign the posts as 'Clare'.

I've been approached tonight to ask if its true that I'm still posting under that name, because lessa's friends have seen it.....and been asking her about it.

Get a life please.

From what I understand, people were going to lessa and questioning her about whether her master now has two slaves back in autumn last year - that upset her then.

I took a lot of rubbish off people while I was Dragon's fox. I certainly don't intend taking it now. I'm also now free to say what I feel on the blog rather than try to keep everyone happy, and be told not to post 'to keep the peace'.

I will not be governed by other people regarding what I write on my blog. I will certainly not be criticised about posts going up in my old name, by people who don't have the gall to speak to me directly about it. If lessa's friends have anything to say about it, then speak to me....don't hide behind DragonM, and leave lessa the hell alone.

Happy Birthday....

2007-03-12T08:41:00.000Z

....to a very special friend, who hopefully knows how very much they are loved by me and my babies.

Great big hugs from us all, until we see you again.

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Manners....

2007-03-09T22:57:00.000Z

I was brought up to use manners...please, thank you...and not to swear. I've brought my children up in the same way.

In chat the other day, I sat watching the scroll and realised just how many people swear as readily as they say hi. And I'm sorry to say that the worst offenders were the girls.

It seems that a lot of the 'newer' submissives seem to think that they need to show how rough and tough they can be, what strong women they are. They tell Doms to f*** off, call other submissives bitches and c***s, and basically scream at people. Their message is meant to be, 'I'm a strong woman, not a doormat, it takes a strong man to make me submit'. I think the message is slightly 'off-key'.

I swear sometimes, yes, but rarely, and only if Im really, really angry (or in play when I'm really taking a hard session). To my mind, projecting that sort of image is letting yourself down - it shows that you have little respect for others or for yourself. It only brings into question the size of your vocabulary, if you have to resort to swearing to make your point. If you're owned or with a Dom - it also reflects badly on him. I'd want to make my Dom proud of me - and swearing at everyone really doesn't do that.

It's sad that so many of the newer submissives seem to want to project this image. I remember many months ago reading a blog littered with profanities - I hated it. I can't understand why someone would portray themselves like that.

Maybe I'm getting old *smiles.

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Education

2007-03-08T10:41:00.000Z

My 13 year old daughter has been studying for her GCSE maths exam - 2 years early. She's already doing BTEC in Performing arts (yes, she is a drama queen!!) and GNVQ in Technology, and now the school has decided that the more able kids hsould take an extra exam early.

My friends know how highly I value education, but I'm increasingly concerned that she is being overloaded with work at such an early age. My main concern is that she's basically 'self taught' on the GCSE Maths - three 25 minute lessons for each module of coursework, no extra help available, then about 40 hours of working at home to complete each section. And that's a module a week.

I'm angry that parents weren't consulted in this. It's our children who are spending each night working on the coursework until 10pm, and all weekend. It's us that are seeing how frustrated and worried our kids are getting.

I've also been told that even if she passes the GCSE this year, she is still required by law to study maths until she leaves school.....why????? Once she passes the exam, further curriculum time seems rather superfluous.

I'm in discussion with the school now, to ascertain how much help they can give her in the GCSE Maths....they should at least be providing a good grounding in each module before sending the kids home to self study. Sorting out issues like this is the only time I get anywhere near to being Domme....mutters.

Anyone got a flogger I can borrow for the head mistress????

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Update....

2007-03-05T08:17:00.000Z

Hubby has been discharged by the district nurse because she's so pleased with his progress. He's getting better every day, only his sleeping is causing him problems now.

We've been shown details of various pubs in the area we're looking at that are available....WOW !!! Lots of public space, plenty of bedrooms for us, in lovely village communities. I'll be in heaven!!

Oh. And I've been reminded of how 'Doms' (and I really am using the term loosely) in the chatooms assume that because I'm a free girl, I'll do god knows what on cam for them and cyber my ass off. As a friend said, it shows that they really, really don't know me. They offer to cyber with me as a favour, because after all, I must be desperate for some action.

I'll give them action. I'll slap them upside their heads with their flogger handles!

grins.

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Breakthrough

2007-02-28T12:45:00.000Z

My friends know how I've been working on getting pub experience with a view to having my own pub in the next 12 - 18 months. Finally...a breakthrough ! *smiles

I'm proud to announce......*grins....hubby and I are both doing our personal licence training at the end of March, and I'm now booked in for interviews with the major pub companies - as a pub manager.

I'll do my training on site in a training pub, and get paid whilst doing so, then will be able to move into my own pub - a timescale of about 6 months has been suggested.

If you know me - the you'll know how much I want this. It's something I've wanted for a very long time and will solve lots of problems too, including the chance to get my daughters into new schools.

My husband will keep his current job, and I'll run the pub. It will be a hard slog, its not an easy job and I'm aware of how hard I'll have to work.

It finally feels like I'm getting somewhere...I'm absolutely over the moon.

kusssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Domestication

2007-02-26T08:57:00.000Z

Just lately, I've been on my knees for my husband (tying his shoelaces, washing his feet), serving him meals, fetching, carrying, generally doing anything I can to make his life easier. And he loves it ! *grins

But he'd give all of it up in an instant just to be able to do things for himself. He's really independant, so to have to rely on someone else to do day to day things really grates on him at times. Little things like not being able to take a plate out after he's eaten.

One thing he's really enjoyed though, is the proliferation of baked goods around at the moment. I love baking, and because of how many visitors we're receiving right now, I normally have at least two different kinds of cakes available. Apple crumble sponge, double chocolate muffins, walnut brownies, lemon sponge cake, date and walnut loaf......the man is in heaven !! And so am I....being able to lose myself in my baking, music on full blast (Blame it on the Boogie and Van der Valk are still hot favourites!) and dance away in my kitchen is great. Ohhhh I'm so domesticated ! *grins

I've decided to carry on my blog even though the D/s aspect will from now be pretty much drastically reduced ! I've used my blog in the past as a way to let my friends know how I'm going on, and to let off steam if things annoy me. Even though I'm young, free and single (ok, BDSM wise anyway !) I'm still part of the BDSM world, and still have my opinions about many, many things.

I spoke to someone at the weekend, a friend with whom I've been through a hell of a lot. In the past we've been ready to kill each other, love each other, hang each other off a cliff, and we've laughed and cried together. She tried to slam it into my head that although friendships change, it doesn't necessarily make them 'worse'. Just different. After all we've been through, misunderstandings, my screw ups, the lot, she's still the one I feel the 'need' for when I'm in over my head. The one I can trust to tell me the truth I need, whether I want it or not. And she's the one who makes me question myself when I decide to withdraw from my real life friends mainly because of what online people may think or post about me. Who matters more - the people who know me, or the people who'd like to think they do?

I want to get back to that with lessa. Being able to tell each other anything without hiding, and being able to slap each other upside the head when we're being stupid. M:e and I often talk about our joint time with MP, and about what they're doing now. He's a good friend, and we never avoid talking about him, because there's no need. And I tease the crap out of him in the chatroom we go to ! *weg. And he's just as bad, often bringing up the subject of a certain nosy hotel manager in Sidmouth *groans

Lessa and I will get back to that stage. At the moment it feels awkward, but at some point we'll be making fun of him and worrying about him working too much. We lost a lot of our 'sister' relationship lately, and now I've decided not to hide away I'm going to put the time in to try to get that back. Lessa means the absolute world to me.

Anyone who doesn't know me real time, and is thinking of posting detrimental comments about any of us without knowing each and every side of our relationship - don't bother. People who have never met me , and who judge me, can quite frankly go to hell. Even M:e, who knows me better than anyone, doesn't know everything that happened with lessa, DragonM and myself so other people don't stand a cat's chance in hell.

I'm here, my blog's here, and we're staying.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a batch of lemon drizzle cake needing my attention *winks

kussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

2007-02-22T22:39:00.000Z

I don't think there's any doubt in anyone's mind that I love lessa and Dragon M . If there is.....you need hitting over the head with a baseball bat. Really.

I'm doing this publically because I think everyone needs to know where they stand, that's been one of the major issues lately. I feel that everyone knows what's going on except me, I'm tired of deciphering blog postings to try and find out how people are, if they're ok. And lessa is in the totally uneviable position of trying to do the right thing and feeling awful no matter what she does. As of today, I'm no longer DragonM's fox. I'm just fox. I'm proud of the person I'm becoming, and will keep that name. But the cost of anything beyond that is just too high. I'm not prepared to lose good friendships, which is what we're in danger of doing.

DragonM is hopefully still one of my friends, and I hope I've stopped the damage in time to avoid losing lessa as a friend too. I am submissive, and that is something I'll need in my life. But with the right man. No matter how much of a right man DragonM is/was, it was the wrong circumstances. And I'll find someone else. In time.

We've all talked, and hopefully everything will be ok.

We'll see.

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Another gem....

2007-02-20T14:26:00.000Z

Luckily, I am finding humour in the strangest places lately !

After washing my husband's hair this morning, bathing him, dressing him and getting him ready, he settled himself down sooooo, so carefully on his speacially made chair. When I asked if he was ok, he grunted and said, 'you have NO idea how painful it is to sit down when your bum is this bruised !'

*laughs hysterically and runs around the house screaming !

I'd like to think (glaring in his direction) that its the eight inch cut on his backside that is causing quite a bit of the 'discomfort', not the teeny weeny amount of bruising.

I ought to offer to get someone to whip his ass for him, and compare THOSE bruises ! lol.

He's tired, still can't really sleep, but feeling better each day.

kussssssssssssssssssssss

How the HELL????

2007-02-19T20:38:00.000Z

How the hell can a man who had a hip replacement on Wednesday be desperate for sex already???

MEN !!!!!

Ice and Fire

2007-02-18T19:42:00.000Z

This beautiful picture from Artnam is called 'Ice and Fire' - its a celebration of how two extremes can co-exist.

That feels very much like me at the moment. I'm happily looking after my husband, nursing him, taking care of the kids. At the same time I often think of my submission, play with Sir, and time with Sir just chatting. I obviously look forward to being with him again, but there's no resentment about having to take care of my 'vanilla' issues.

All of us are more than just a label...I'm not 'just a subbie' or 'just a wife' to the exclusion of all else. I'm both of those things, and more.

Ice and fire - in one package.

And each one makes the other even more beautiful.

kussssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Me?? SADISTIC????

2007-02-17T17:13:00.000Z

My husband came home from hospital today, and is so happy to be back home.

One of the things he has to do as part of his recovery, is to inject himself each day with anti coagulents to help prevent DVT. He's had problems injecting himself though, so the lovely nurse at the hospital asked if anyone at home would be able to do it for him.

'Oh yes,' he replied. 'My wife will be able to do that for me. It will fulfil her sadistic streak!'.

Me?? SADISTIC??

He thinks I can't take pain - he thinks I'm sadistic - I must be damn good at hiding my submissive painslut side !! *weg.

And if he thinks that I'm sadistic.....I could introduce him to a few people who could really surprise him ! Lol.

On the serious side - he's home, he's healing, he's happy. Who could ask for more.

kussssssssssssssssss

Cyber

2007-02-15T22:07:00.000Z

I went into my usual chatroom tonight just for a few minutes, to try and 'switch off', and I walked into a room of people being derogatory about cyber/online relationships. Pure cyber will never be for me, but the nature of my relationship with Sir , and the fact that we live in different countries means that a fair amount of our time is spent online, or the phone, or texting. That time with him is very valuable.

One of the comments I heard was - 'cyber is telling someone what to do online so that they can pretend to do it'. We keep saying that one of the beautiful aspects of BDSM is its diversity - everyone conducts their relationship in the way that suits them best. I didn't see much of that 'open mindedness' tonight.

If Sir tells me to do something - he knows that I'll do it, and if I don't, I'll tell him, whether its going to bed early or writing a business report. That's because of something basic and vital in any BDSM relationship.

Trust.

Trust applies whether you're 24/7 TPE, living together or pure cyber. I see Sir every few months in real, and I obey him the same at a distance as I do face to face.

After a long day, I really wasn't in the mood for this discussion in room, so I just left.

So many people are open minded.

When it suits them.

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Happy Valentines Day.....

2007-02-14T09:38:00.000Z

.....to my daughters' big cuddly teddy bear

*grins

kusssssssss for my Sir

Just a quickie....

2007-02-13T20:13:00.000Z

We decided not to bother about valentines day, because of the operation etc.

But my hubby left me an envelope not to be opened 'unless he grows wings'.....grins.....he's an organised soul.

Inside he says he's got all his life assurance policies, his will, and a letter for me just in case the worst should happen when he's in hospital. I know...it's 'only' a hip replacement.

But making sure that everything I'd need is somewhere safe just in case the worst happens, when I'll least be able to deal with things.....one hell of a way to say 'I love you'.

I love you too baby.

You soft sod. Kisssssssssssssss
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Tired....

2007-02-13T18:39:00.000Z

My husband was admitted to hospital today, and is having his hip replacement tomorrow at about midday.

We chose a hospital which admittedly isn't the closest to us, but its reputation for cleanliness and actual surgical procedures is wonderful, so for us to travel a fair way to visit him is worth it.

Because of road works, it took 90 minutes to get there this morning, but it took me two and a half hours to drive back.....I was silly enough not to eat this morning because of nerves, so I got home tired, aching and starving !

So.....to visit him for one hour I'll be driving for four hours - but it's worth every minute for the care he'll get there. My only concern it that the staff are now saying that he's booked to go home on Saturday, whereas the consultant who is doing the operation told him Monday at the earliest. I really don't want him sent home before he's ready just to free up a bed. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

My blog isn't always BDSM - it's my life, and my family is a big part of that.

I think Sir would now tell me to go and eat, cuddle the girls and go to bed and have a good nights sleep, so I think I'll go and do that soon.

He has some good ideas sometimes *smiles.

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Birthday Candles....

2007-02-12T12:43:00.000Z

A belated happy birthday to kaya's Master. He celebrated this weekend with a 'birthday buttcake' *grins http://kaya-s.livejournal.com/

I've considered whether to post this or not, but I think I'll be safe - I won't be able to see Sir around His birthday, so it's ok if He gets ideas after seeing this.

You HAVE to admire kaya !!!

*grins

Natural beauty....

2007-02-11T18:57:00.000Z

Next week my darling sister will be enjoying a sauna, spa, and various other watery fun, with Sir, M:e and guests *grins. After the stressful few weeks they've all had, I can't think of a better place for them to go.

knuffels and kusssssssssssssssssss

Communication....

2007-02-10T11:37:00.000Z

My husband went to the pub last night on his usual Friday night out with the lads, for the last time before his operation. Me being me, I didn't go to bed until I'd seen him walking down the street on his way back home. And then slipping into bed and 'playing dead' because it wouldn't do for him to know I was concerned enough about him to stand at my bedroom window needing to know that he was safe before I could go to sleep, now would it? *smiles

Sometimes, it really hits me how bad his walking is because of his hip. Last night was one of those times. I really can't describe actually here how he walks.....maybe saying that his limp can be so bad that it looks like one leg is 6 inches shorter than the other. The consultant last week told him that his hip is basically shattered - that he must have an incredible pain threshold to be able to actually walk. His reply? 'Thank god it's not my wife - she can't take pain at all.'

*speechless!*

We've had big problems in the past, nearly ending in divorce, but we won through. We found ways to communicate with each other, taking into account how different we are in this. Communication is also a major issue in my BDSM relationship, but Sir and I have overcome many of my insecurities in being able to talk about things that trouble me. I can now tell him why I react to a certain issue, what I think lies behind it and why it upsets me/frustrates me/why I avoid a certain type of 'play' like the plague. And it still amazes me that I can do this.

We've found what works for us - it doesn't mean that is right for us is right for everyone.

This next couple of months are going to be hard in many ways - my husband healing, in physio, trying to work from home. I won't get the contact I usually get with Sir because I won't be available as much - my husband needs me, and I'll be there. And Sir wouldn't expect anything less from me - to be there for my family. We'll still talk, and text, and IM, and use our established ways of communicating - just not so often. And having my hubby in the house 24/7 for at least six weeks means no 'play' for that long !! *sobs*

But...it doesn't change things with Sir and I. He's still me Sir, I'm still His fox. Less contact doesn't mean less submission. I'm His fox 24/7, regardless of what I'm doing, whether I'm in sweet agony from tacks in my bra or driving my husband to phsyio.

To all of us - lessa, Sir and myself - family is so important. We love the way that Sir is with His family, it's part of what makes Him so special. And the same applies in reverse. He loves how lessa is with her family, with the recent wonderful new addition to the clan. And He loves my relationship with my kids, and knows that I will look after my husband totally while he's recovering.

He wouldn't expect any less from His slave or His fox. It's part of who we are.

And He loves every part *smiles.

kussssssssssss

Play....

2007-02-09T10:50:00.000Z

OK... a subject that I think all my friends and I have mentioned at some point or other on our blogs and in conversation -

Can we please find another word for play??

Play makes me think of it as something lighthearted, meaningless...something taken lightly. Don't get me wrong, play with Sir often incorporates fun, and laughing, as with most Doms I've heard of/experienced. But to me, play is more about the submission, pleasing him, feeling really close. A beautiful part of a relationship. The word play doesn't really do it for me.

There must be alternatives??

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Snow Day....

2007-02-08T08:38:00.000Z

Both of my daughters schools are closed today, due to the snow storm that's on its way - we've had quite a bit of snow, but the worst is expected in a couple of hours.

So, they're just getting bundled up in warm clothing, and then we're going in the garden to make snow angels, have snowball fights and generally have winter fun. Their pyjamas are warming on the radiators, and when we've finishing pelting each other with snowbals, we'll dry off, get the nice warm pyjamas on and snuggle up with blankets and watch tv. I'll even wear my 'mouse' pyjamas that my youngest daughter delighted in showing to M:e ! Definitely not 'wearing in front of Sir' clothing *winks. I've made baked potato soup, we have a fresh loaf from the bread machine overnight, and lots of hot chocolate.

Kussssssssssssssssss
That, to me, sounds like a perfect day *smiles.

The Art of Balance....

2007-02-07T12:27:00.000Z

In every relationship there has to be a balance - his needs, her needs....the fun, the serious....the intense, the soft....

This picture makes me think of a beautifully balanced submissive. Her own woman, but strong enough to submit totally. As confident in herself as she is in him.

So often in chat rooms today, strong women are seen as too much of a challenge - if they don't submit to anybody typing their names in capitals, they're not a 'real' submissive. If you ever show a backbone and an opinion you're seen as a 'switch' because no true submissive would say boo to a goose *grins.

The right Dom allows his girl to feel that she has the strength to be herself, and I've seen many beautiful examples of this, not least of all my sister lessa and the lovely M:e.

Both perfectly balanced ....both strong women....both very, very happy.

The only way to be *smiles

kussssssssssssssssssssssss

Beautiful day...

2007-02-06T09:21:00.000Z

We woke up this morning to a light covering of snow - not enough to be inconvenient, just enough to be beautiful. The lovely bright subshine is reflecting off the snow, and is currently lighting up my office brighter than any lightbulb could. It's a beautiful day. I'm actually feeling pretty calm now, things are underway for my hubby's operation, things are far more on track with DragonM Sir (and I'm thinking of You today, Sir, hoping things are easier) and I can almost feel the excitement emanating from lessa and M:e who are meeting up again in ten days. Apart from one thing that is a little unclear right now - not BDSM related - things are pretty much on an even keel.

It makes a change *grins.

Sir and I are due a good talk, but there's no rush - He's got other things on His mind right now. He knows that I'll be here when He's ready.

The best things are worth waiting for - and lessa and Sir are most definitely two of the best things.

kusssssssssssssssssssssssss

Learning....

2007-02-04T19:08:00.000Z

Tomorrow my husband goes in for his pre-op check-ups, four hours of being probed, poked and prodded to make sure he's fit enough for his surgery. Then next Wednesday, Valentine's Day, he has the hip replacement that he's been so desperate for. I can't emphasise enough how much pain this bad hip has caused him, and he's only 44.

Today we ran through things that I'll have to do while he's incapacitated. Things that I know a lot of women already do, but always taken care of certain things, I've taken care of others. So he's got to show me how to check oil levels on the cars each week, do the tyres, how to work our electricity boxes in case fuses blow, etc etc. So, as a silver cloud to him being away from us for a week in hospital, I'll have new skills !

We've agreed that I won't go to see him the day of the operation. When he had a cruciate ligament op several years ago, the private hospital allowed me in to see him a few hours after the op, and I wished to god they hadn't. He was in so much pain, hardly coherent and writhing around begging for pain killers. After I left, I drove straight to my mum's, handed my then baby/now 13 year old to my sister, walked into the kitchen to my mum and just burst out crying. It was horrible to see someone I loved in so much pain. So he's has asked me not to visit that first day - he doesn't want to run the risk of me seeing him like that again. For a non-Dom, he's sometimes so bloody bossy !!

On the bright side - today in my never ending task to find something that my younger daughter will eat apart from chocolate spread sandwiches, she's discovered a liking for home made rice pudding !! I watched in glee as she ate a huge bowl of it, thinking, 'yes!! calcium !!' So I think I'll be making a few more batches of that !

I made pancakes afterwards, and left a plate of them for my two girls while I went to sort out laundry. I came back still enjoying the smug feeling of getting disguised milk into my baby, when I saw what she'd done with her pancakes.

'Look Mummy !! I put chocolate spread on them !'

Sighs. Oh well.

My older daughter (thanks to a certain person in Wales who gave her bacon pancakes but who shall remain nameless) loves having savoury pancakes. So what did she put on hers?? Barbeque sauce !.

I might start telling them DragonM Sir loves 5 pieces of fruit, a pint of milk, and 2 low fat chicken breasts every day. They're both so convinced that He's wonderful (and they're right), that might just do the trick!!

Chocolate spread pancake anyone??

kussssssssssssssss

A musical moment

2007-02-03T19:34:00.000Z

Had a lovely time listening to my CD's while I was cleaning today, then had a laugh attack when I wondered if the song 'Take My Breath Away' by Berlin (from the film Top Gun) was anything to do with breath play !!

I had a great text from Sir today, saying 'huggs and kisses from the cuddly teddly bear', in reference to my previous post *grins. Gotta love that sense of humour!

He'll be just about on His way to a party with lessa now, so I hope they have a wonderful time, and truly hope that lessa gets to feel His cane again.

kusssssssssssssssss for them both.

One of those days....

2007-02-02T09:07:00.000Z

I'm having one of those days.

You know those days when you feel the need to kneel, or get flogged, or just something physical. I have times when I feel really 'antsy' as I think the Americans say. On edge. And it's not doubting my submission to Sir, or my emotional/mental submission not being enough - it's just more *clears my throat and gets all clever* feeling a need for the physical manifestation of my submission. Good, eh.

Obviously, Sir being in another country brings it's limitations.

I feel my submission to Him all the time. That warm, centred, 'complete' feeling, and I love it. And Him. As He said a while ago, I'm His fox 24/7 not just in play.

The play session we had the other day was wonderful. Long, hot, and fantastic. I have this fascination with His face and voice *grins. Sometimes His face is all 'cheeky Dom', full of fun but undoubtedly in control. Other times it's just 'Sir'....that face you don't argue with but if I see it for too long I get a very wet chair ! *groans. And now I've discovered a new fascination - His forearms !! Watching Him on cam the other day, just sitting there talking to me, His bare arms folded across His chest...I could have watched them for hours !!

It's not often that we get play sessions like that. We both have to be alone in the house for a start and that rarely happens !! lol. They don't need to happen very often, I don't need one a week or a month just to show Him I'm still His. The way I feel today is purely selfish - not to prove anything to Him, or to make Him feel better - just a need, a frustration I'm feeling. It's nothing to do with whether we've played recently or not. Feeling like this could happen after 5 months of no play, or the day after a hard session - it's an itch that needs scratching. And seeing as it ain't gonna get scratched, I'll have to go and do some exercise for a while to burn up some nervous energy or something!! *grins

I love seeing Him in control - and it doesn't have to be BDSM related. Lessa may be getting a hair bondage this weekend, and I love watching that. It's not a pain thing, it's not an obvious thing, but it's definitely a control thing. The control is always there with Him, it's not something He 'puts on' for a session. And you can see that so clearly when He's with lessa. It's a sheer joy to see it.

Grinning - I have marks on my breasts from the play we did on Monday - where the pins pricked it looks like a vampire attacked me !!

Evil, evil, sadistic Man.

Gotta love Him.

Grins and kussssssssssssssssssss

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10,000

2007-02-01T09:17:00.000Z

As we speak, my hit counter stands at 9833 - not bad for someone who was unsure whether she could actually write a blog !!

To reach the 10,000 mark will be amazing, and I think I'll celebrate in some way. Any ideas?? And no thank you - no smart ass subbies suggesting 10,000 spanks - not even I could take that many !! Although......I know two subbies who I could nominate to take some of them FOR me !! *grins

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For two very special people....

2007-01-31T21:28:00.000Z

Flowers have a language all of their own, for instance most of us know that a single red rose represents love.

The azalea above is for two very, very special people. The meaning of this flower is, 'take care of yourself for me'.

They're both working so hard, and have other stresses. I wish I could make life easier for them, but I can be there for them when they need me. They'll be together today, which will be wonderful for both of them.

All my love

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Offices need NOT be boring !

2007-01-30T13:54:00.000Z

It's interesting having my computer and webcam set up in the home office.

All those little everyday essentials lying around that you never think of in a BDSM way until a certain Someone comes online, shows you a handful of drawing pins/tacks and says, 'Got any of these handy?'. He was in a particularly evil mood yesterday *grins

Mistake 1 - I said, 'I think these pins in my bra are lying wrong...I can't feel them' Dear God....five minutes later I could feel them !

Mistake 2 - I used my favourite hairbrush when He asked me to fetch one...no, not for spanking, but I will be buying a new one asap after what I had to do with it !

Mistake 3 - I asked Him why He was doing something...bad move clare !!! Hence the hairbrush *shivers*

It's ok to make mistakes, as long as I learn from them. I learnt very painful lessons yesterday !!

On the good side - I saw Him looking more relaxed than I have in ages - to be able to give him pleasure, make him happy when he's having a busy time generally is wonderful. And to have a talk/play which combined so much laughing with the play was great. We had a serious talk too - about being able to ask him for things, or offering. And that meant a lot to me.

I learnt to count way higher than before*blushes* and I learnt that it ain't easy coming while you're laughing !! *grins

kusssssssssssssssssssssssss for my Sir

ps.....I had no problem sleeping last night !!

The Proposal.....

2007-01-29T14:59:00.000Z

Still grinning here.

One of the fathers at my younger daughter's school came up to me today and thanked me. 'What for', I asked?

'For showing me that there are still real women out there, who look lovely, who laugh, who hug their kids and when they walk they look as sexy as hell. You've restored my faith.'

'Hmmmm....ok...well, thank you. It's lovely of you to say so' (bestowing a gracious smile and wondering where this is going).

'I bet you look lovely on a romantic dinner, candles lit, red roses for you' (pfffft.....I love red roses but do you really wanna know what I do with candles???)

'If I'm with my husband, I love romantic dinners' (If I'm with my Sir, I love romantic dinners where I'm relieved of my underwear and know that afterwards I'm going to be beaten, flogged, cropped, caned, made to beg and crawl, tied down, chained to a bed, and brought to orgasm more times in one night than in the previous year)

'Would you like to have dinner with me tonight, at my place? My ex is having my daughter' (giving me a grin that I think was supposed to be sexy but I think I'm immune)

'Ummm...no thanks. I don't dine with gentlemen I don't know, besides which, my husband wouldn't approve' (neither would my Sir He'd probably beat my ass but lets not go into THAT on the school playground!!)

'He has to know??'

'Yes! He would have to know! If I wanted to. Which I don't. So ......goodbye'

Ok...get this....his closing line -

'That's ok - some women just aren't adventurous. There's more to life than the missionary position you know'

SPEECHLESS!!!!!

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The power of submission

2007-01-27T22:44:00.000Z

The power of submission lies not in the ability to kneel before another, to give over one's body or the wearing of a collar. The power of submission can be found only in the heart of one who gives her love to another freely, knowing what joy and pain will come from it. ~Unknown Author

I found these words on the website http://love-as-thou-wilt.blogspot.com/. I loved them.

kussssssssssssssssss for Sir and lessa

Sleepless....

2007-01-26T23:11:00.000Z

Since before Christmas, I've had problems sleeping, often only getting two or three hours a night. On the rare occasion that I can sleep....my husband is in so much pain with his leg that he keeps me awake.

I hadn't really intended going to the doctor about it until I was, er....persuaded what a good idea it would be. (I got the verbal equivalent of a raised eyebrow over the phone). But today's visit proved that visiting him was a waste of time - he barely looked at my notes, asked if I had problems in my life (no more than 90% of the rest of the population) and immediately prescribed anti depressants.

I'm not depressed !!!!!

My life is full, busy, complicated....yes, I have worries such as the upcoming operation, money and kids schooling, but nothing that would class as depression. I have a support network that anyone would be proud of to talk through problems with. No way would I class myself as depressed, and no way am I taking those tablets. I have one hell of a challenging twelve months coming up, and to my mind those tablets would only impede that.

So I'm going to try more conventional methods first. To start I'm going to get into the habit of getting off the computer at a reasonable hour (10 or 11pm at the latest) and having a warm bath to get me calmed down and rested. I'm hoping that if I'm on the pc later than that, that Sir will kick me off it ! *smiles.

This next twelve months I'm going to be doing several of the most difficult things you can do, all in one year. Moving house, new job, new schools, etc etc. I know that with Sir's support, and lessa's and M:e's......I'll be in a far stronger position.

And if all else fails to make me sleep......I can always ask for a flight to Amsterdam on the NHS. A play session with Sir always knocks me out for many, many hours !! *grins

kussssssssssssssssssssssss

Cats and Dogs

2007-01-26T23:08:00.000Z

Found this great diary excerpt today - thought of lessa and her menagerie straight away !! *grins

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY.

DAY 1800800am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
0930am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
0940am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
1030am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
1200pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1300pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1600pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1700pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
1730pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction of ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today I attempted to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking and almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust these vile oppressors, I made myself vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 766
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed about what a good cat I was. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time it included a burning chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could smell the foul odor what they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his confinement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Quandry....

2007-01-25T22:40:00.000Z

You may remember me posting about my mother-in-law and stepfather-in-law's marital problems a couple of weeks back. They're having enormous rows, shouting at each other....all sorts. They're both in their seventies. They've got the whole family involved in the situation, her calling her kids up like reinforcements to show him that she's got support, him saying he's GOT no family, who's going to support him??

In came to a head last night when we had a phone call, my older daughter answered the call and all she could hear was her grandparents screaming at each other. We tried to get them to hear us, but they were too busy shouting, and then disapearing in other rooms to realise that the phone was off the hook.

It's one thing my mother-in-laws kids being involved in this....but now it's my kids that are involved. I had to explain to my daughter (and my younger daughter who also overheard) why the argument was going on. We've all done our best to keep the arguments away from the children in the family because quite frankly, today they may be screaming at each other but tomorrow they could be insisting that we all go to a family party and act as if nothing has happened.

In the end - I went to see them. And I was quite frank. I explained about the phone call, that my daughter had overheard everything...and that I was drawing the line at my kids being involved. I was then faced with my mother-in-law repeating every problem that's happened in the past..what he's done, what he's said...all of which we've heard before, many, many times. I politely tried to get a word in between her words and his defence and failed miserably. I had to resort to doing my 'teacher' thing and saying very loudly and very firmly, 'I'M talking !!'. I told them that at the minute, I wasn't interested in hearing their problems yet again - I'd heard them all before - my concern was for my own children and for my husband. That we were all there to support them, but we couldn't solve their problems for them - they had to do that themselves, and with Relate. I wasn't nasty, or rude...I was calm and firm.

Because their situation is affecting the entire family. They were both apologetic after failing to get me involved in their arguments, but to be honest, I'm not sure how to carry on if this keeps happening. How far can we continue to support them? They seem to have a cycle - they argue, she wants to throw him out, she wants us all to hate him, she denies that he's part of our family. Then next week she's telling us all that he's lovely, he's apologised and we have to treat him as if nothing ever happened.

I told them last night that I was being a hard faced bitch over this, but I was putting my kids and husband first. I've also told them that until my husband reassures me that their situation is positively solved....definitely....my kids aren't coming down on their usual visit after table tennis on Fridays, because I don't want them exposed to the atmosphere there. I guess I'm hoping that if they realise the kids are involved, they may think about their situation a bit more carefully.

My mother-in-law last night told me that he's no part of our family. He can go back to his own daughter ( a daughter he only found out about 6 years ago, but isn't bothered about).

When all said and done, he's been there for my kids if they've been ill. He's been there for them at birthday parties. He's been there. Full stop. She pleaded with me (not my husband..ME) when our first daughter was born, to let her call him Grandad. Now she's saying he's no part of our family.

What do I do? My husband is as confused and worried as I am. So are th erest of the family. I don't know how long we can keep supporting them in this cycle, but she's his mother.

Answers on a postcard please.....attached to a very large valium.

xxxxxx

Love is.....

2007-01-25T19:16:00.000Z

For DragonM Sir and lessa

kussssssssssssssssssssssssss

Claim To Fame....

2007-01-24T21:55:00.000Z

Looking at my 'referrers' page on the visitor counter today, I found out that (presumably because of an earlier posting) a search engine given 'nettle spanking' will show my blog as number one !!

Oh joys !!!!!

Why couldn't I show as number one for people searching for gorgeous pain slut, or maybe rubber flogger?? Even labia needles would be better !! But to show first on a search engine's listing for nettle spanking - the thing I probably fought most against??

Talk about irony !! *grins

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Sign of trust....

2007-01-23T20:39:00.000Z

It's a huge sign of trust in Sir that this post is very different from the one I originally wrote.

I was going to close the blog, because of people seeing things in what I'd written that weren't there, then causing trouble by questioning my intentions towards DragonM Sir.

But I'm not going to allow them to take away something I love. This blog, and my ability to talk about my life, and my submission to DragonM Sir.

Lessa and Sir know that what I write does not mean that I'm pleading for him to be my Master. I'm his fox and I love being that - I'm happy as I am. His fox - lessa's sister. Anyone with issues about that is more than welcome to address them to DragonM Sir - don't bother lessa or myself about them.

I may not be his subbie or slave, but he has my full submission for as long as we all three are happy together - until he can teach me no more, or until I need more.

I love them both - very much - and I'm not going to hide that .

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Valentines Day

2007-01-20T20:33:00.000Z

It looks like it's going to be an interesting Valentine's Day this year. That's the day that my husband has his long awaited hip replacement operation, so I doubt very much that I'll be celebrating the day in the usual style.

We've opted for him to have the operation at a hospital about an hour away from us, as it has a far better health/cleanliness record than our local orthopedic department. I'd far rather travel the extra time and distance to visit him there than have him be the latest of many to contract MRSA at the nearest hospital.

So I think it will be a strange few months - he'll be off work for about two to three months - I'll probably be ready to kill him after one week !! I'll also be working at the local pub where I started last week, so I have to try to arrange shifts so that I can care for him the best I can. And of course, his mother is MORE than willing to come and look after him while I'm not there !!

It's good to be working at the pub. It's good experience for getting a pub of our own, but it feels strange sometimes. I've downplayed my previous work background to the other girls - it felt awkward to say that I've been a fundraising consultant, an school manager and worked for the Home Office, so I just said I'd worked in a school and done voluntary work. And it's true - kinda. Is that a bit of reverse snobbery?

I'm not working there again now until just before Valentine's Day, as I'm going to be replacing one of the current employees, so until then I'll be having acouple of quiet weeks. I'm looking forward to going back - I laughed so hard when I was told the other day that I'll get good tips from the male customers, because I say 'Sir' so naturally !!! The phrases 'yes, sir', 'will that be all sir?' just seemed to roll off my tongue !! When I worked at the school, I refused to call the male teachers 'Sir' as a point of principle - I can't see any way out of it with my male customers !!

Things feel like they're falling into place - my job at the pub, my husband's operation - fingers crossed that everything else works out just as well.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2007-01-11T14:15:00.001Z

I'm not going to be posting on my, or anyone else's blog for a while.

x

Boudoir....

2007-01-09T10:22:00.000Z

Some pictures, I know why I like them. It just hits me.

However this one, I can't put my finger on - maybe its the feeling of quiet confidence, or of a girl ready to approach her Master.

Either way...it's beautiful *smiles
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Innocence....

2007-01-08T16:53:00.000Z

My gorgeous sister lessa has a lovely post on her site today, about innocence
(http://lessa.web-log.nl/lessa/2007/01/dolls.html)

One of the things that came to mind this afternoon when I was thinking about that post, was the fact that generally speaking children can't retain their innocence for as long as they used to. I know this is something that a friend and I had long debates about, but I truly feel this to be the case, and I witnessed a lot of examples of this over Christmas.

At school plays now, the headteacher has to ask everyones permission to allow parents to film the show, or to take photos. There have been quite a few incidents of school play footage turning up on less than salubrious sites, the camera homing in on little bodies.

My younger daughter turned to me at the end of her play and told me that the man in the front row had made her and her best friend really uncomfortable, as he'd been taking photos of them most of the time. I told her he was probably taking photos of his child in the show, but she was well aware - and explained to me - why some people take shots at occasions like this. I can't tell you, I truly can't, how sick you feel when your eight year baby explains to you about paedophiles.

If my older daughter goes out with friends, or shopping, I make sure she has her mobile on her ( and actually charged!) and every hour, she 'prank calls' me. Not actually calling to speak, but letting the phone ring once so I know its her. This way she doesn't lose streed cred through having to call her mum!

We have to teach our children about drugs, which are now as freely available in schools as cigarettes used to be. Kids don't have the freedom to play outside as much now, and the majority of children play computer games non stop at home, frequently using titles which kill, maim and destroy people/places. I can't allow my girls to go and ride their bikes in the fields nearby - I can't take that risk.

I know that some children have never really had the childhood of innocence through various, often traumatic circumstances. But today, I feel that few kids ever will.

When I was little, I remember playing in fields near our house, in the days when summer seemed to last forever. These days children are very aware of possible dangers - they have it drummed into them by schools, the media and parents.

But this awareness might be enough to save a life.

What a wonderful world we live in.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Further afield....

2007-01-06T23:28:00.000Z

I looked at my cluster map today, and I have to admit, I still find it strange to see that people from various places all over the world read here. Admittedly, most will only read out of idle curiosity but it still seems unbelievable almost, that people in Australia, America and further afield read my words.

I also noticed that I have as many 'spots' in Holland as I do in the UK ! *grins

It mames me wonder why people read. I'm glad that they do, don't get me wrong, but compared with a lot of D/s blogs mine isn't - well - very D/s. Very few tales of hard beatings, or of naked goings on. That doesn't make me less of a submissive - it just reflects my relationship with Sir. Being from different countries our relationship can't be based on play ( and neither should it - play is the least important part of D/s). And before anyone totally misunderstands that statement amd tears it apart, I don't mean that lessa's relationship with Him is based on play just because she lives close to Him. Her submission/slavery to my Sir - her Master - is wonderful, and as real as it gets. My play with Him is occasional - every couple of months, but when it happens its hard, glorious, wonderful pain filled pleasure. In between visits we have other physical aspects of submission - but I'm too shy to talk about them ! *grins

A lot of my submission is based on the more mental aspects, which actually suits me beautifully.

My blog reflects me - kids, life in general, I've made apologies on here and I've talked through problems here. I haven't glamourised my submission. I've just enjoyed it. I don't put up thought provoking posts, I just say what I want/need to say.

I missed out on the de-lurking that tiggr and others had a couple of months back - that must have been fascinating, to see where readers come from. Next time they do one, I may join in.

So to all who read here, thank you. I hope I don't bore you to death !!

*grins

xxxxxxxxxxxx

When I need you....

2007-01-06T11:34:00.001Z

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

When I need you
I Just close my eyes
And you're right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day

For my Sir....who's always there.

kussssssssssssssssssssssss

Going Dutch....

2007-01-05T18:20:00.000Z

My daughter had the radio on it the kitchen earlier and I was telling her to turn it down - typical Mum !! All of a sudden a song came on that transported me back to my childhood, to a particularly happy time when I lived with my Nan. I burst into laughter and asked her to turn it up quick - and sat there with a dreamy look on my face, just at the memories flooding back. I always loved that music.

When it was finished, she asked me what it was, to which I replied Eye Level - the theme to Van der Valk, a detective program from many years ago. My beloved daughter commented on the name and I told her it was based in Holland. She grinned and said, 'oh great - something else that makes you go all loopy is Dutch !!' Little madam !! lol.

I have memories from when I was tiny, of reading a story about a cow that got onto a barge in Holland and travelled the canals. I remember very few of the details, but have strong memories of the pictures of the cow getting off at a big cheese market, amidst piles and piles of edam. I know - pretty silly really, but I wish so much that I could find that book - just for sentimental reasons. My nan (who basically brought me up) used to read it to me when I was knee high to a grasshopper, so I have such fond memories.

I can just imagine me reading that book to my girls now - my smart ass daughter would probably say, 'Edam?? Where were the piles of rambol??' *winks at lessa.

kusssssssssssssss

There's a NAME for it????

2007-01-04T19:09:00.000Z

I found a piece the other day that gave a name to what I did last year....nettle play. I can't believe there's a name for it !!

Urtication: Sex & Nettles

Using The Stinging Nettle For Spanking & Pleasure

What is Urtication?From the Nettle Sex FAQ:

Urtication (urtica: nettle) refers to those who use stinging nettles to stimulate the skin for sex games, such as spanking and BDSM practices. Nettles cause intense burning sensations in the skin where applied, very similar to the sharp pain of a whip. In fact the family classification Urtica comes from the Latin uro meaning 'to burn.' But while a whipstroke comparatively fades rapidly (within an hour at least, with aching for a few more) the hot, intense burn of a nettle can last for up to 24 hours! The sensation takes a long time to cool and you're aware of it the entire time due to the almost electric tingle through the area effected. This is wonderful for longterm D/s scenes or verbal and light play in public.

In addition to this intense longterm burning, urtication can also turning even the most jaded iron bottoms into mewling kittens. Sensitivity to any sensations increases markedly, and in the words of Master Conrad Hodson "a feather can feel like a brush, a light spanking feels like a strap, a light strap or flogger blows their minds." One bottom, inquiring if a nettling would effect a spanking and in answer receiving a few swats with just the fingertips, exclaimed "a four-year-old could have me in agony!"

Nettles cause intense burning sensations in the skin where applied, very similar to the sharp pain of a whip. In fact the family classification Urtica comes from the Latin uro meaning 'to burn.' But while a whipstroke comparatively fades rapidly (within an hour at least, with aching for a few more) the hot, intense burn of a nettle can last for up to 24 hours! The sensation takes a long time to cool and you're aware of it the entire time due to the almost electric tingle through the area effected. This is wonderful for longterm D/s scenes or verbal and light play in public.

In addition to this intense longterm burning, urtication can also turning even the most jaded iron bottoms into mewling kittens. Sensitivity to any sensations increases markedly, and in the words of Master Conrad Hodson "a feather can feel like a brush, a light spanking feels like a strap, a light strap or flogger blows their minds." One bottom, inquiring if a nettling would effect a spanking and in answer receiving a few swats with just the fingertips, exclaimed "a four-year-old could have me in agony!"

I just can't believe there's a name for it !! Does that make me an urticationist?? Or more likely in my case, an oh-my-god-please-don't-get-those-things-on-my-ass-oh-go-on-then-ist?? *grins

xxx

Last night....

2007-01-04T11:02:00.000Z

Last night was strange. I had a phone call at about 8pm from my mother-in-law, telling me that her husband (my husband's step father) had threatened to smash her face in with a hammer, and had been shouting and screaming at her all day. Her husband had then come on the phone screaming at me about what she had done. My husband was out at karate with my younger daughter at the time so I couldn't get him to go down - they only live about a three minute drive away.

I told my mother-in-law that I'd tell my husband as soon as he got in, but she started telling me adamantly that she didn't want him to know. But why phone us to tell if if she didn't want us to know? This has happened so many times in the past, I've lost count. So I did the best thing I could at the time - I phoned my sister-in-law, who went down immediately. And no - there was no point just telling her to call the police, there's no actual violence. And these people are in their seventies.

My husband and I ended up at their house last night until 11pm, along with the his two sisters and a brother-in-law. I went to make damn sure my husband didn't just punch his step father's lights out for threatening his mum. I - the 'emotional' one in the family - ended up as the referee/counsellor. Strange, eh?

They each keep throwing old arguments in each others faces - his betrayal eighteen years ago, her insistance that her three kids are more important to her than he is, and that she'll never forgive him for what he's done. She said she wants what my husband and I have - a perfect marriage. Perfect marriages in my opinion are as real as fairies and Doctor Who. My close friends know the troubles that we have had in our marriage, but we decided to work through them. And it's worked.

My....er...step-father-in-law never had kids of his own, he doesn't understand the bond that comes with that. And yes, my mother-in-law does make a point of telling him on an extremely regular basis that her children are the most important thing in her life, far more than him. It's really six of one, half a dozen of another - but there's no excuse for the threat of violence.

M:e would have been proud of me last night - I kept thinking 'what would she say in this position?' and pretty much took it from there. I've got them to agree to go to Relate - marriage guidance counselling- although I was so tempted to say.....I've got this friend in Wales...she'll help !! *winks at M:e.

We've also got them to agree to look at developing new hobbies and interests so that they can get back their individual selves and not just be half of the 'Jane and John' double act. They're so much in each others pockets that arguments intensify. But they've got to want to carry on - if not then Relate, and certainly not any of us can help.

It's so much easier to be wise and wonderful when you're not a central part of the problem/issue. When it comes to my own life, I often can't see the woods for the trees and usually fail to see why I'm reacting badly to something.

This blog isn't just about D/s - its about me, and what affects me/involves me. This situation certainly had me thinking a lot last night. But it also brought other stuff up with my husband - when we were talking afterwards he told me that he's been looking at jobs in Devon/Cornwall (we're currently central UK). He feels its a far better place to bring up children, and a better place for us to get a pub. The agreement is that I'd run the pub, and he would continue working as an accountant. He needs to get this hip replacement operation out of the way first, but he's seriously interested in us moving South. Just another example of how much things can change for me this year.

Two of the main areas of my life are my D/s life, and my nilla life, like most subs. When one is strong, firm, the other is easier to work on. It gives you the strength to makes changes if you need to. I know I'll have the strength for the changes coming up in my nilla life this year *smiles.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Happy New Year

2007-01-02T20:45:00.000Z

My first post of 2007 came after a fair bit of deliberation.

I have, on the left of my blog, a list of things Ive achieved during 2006 including such things as riding Vogel Rok *shudders*, electro play and holding a spider. So, as its the start of a new year I was going to delete the list and start afresh.

However, I decided to keep it. It may be a new year, but I'm still proud of doing these things. I reemember being absolutely gob smacked at the time when I did some of them, as I never though in a million years that I would. So I'm going to keep it and add to it as and when I achieve something or try something new. I'm not going to wipe out some of my highlights just because its a new year *smiles.

My 'path' in many aspects of my life has changed a lot - I'm not going where I expected to in a lot of ways. I've always liked having plans - a five year plan for my life of where I'm going, when I'm going, who with etc etc. Last year my plan was non existant, mainly because of the situation between myself and my husband. It felt horrible.....as if I was just floating, waiting for a piece of driftwood to pass by so that I could try to grab it. This year my marital/nilla/family plan is set....we're all pulling in the same direction, and its wonderful.

My D/s path, my submission to Dragon M Sir is set too. Very very firmly. In fact, I'd say its set in stone.

It's to do my best, and follow his plans. That's all. He's steering the boat *smiles. So wherever he decides to sail, is where I'll end up. And for someone who likes....no, loves to know where I'll be 6 months down the road, that's pretty scary. Or it would be - if I didn't trust him so much.

I'm going to live life to the full this year, try my hardest at everything and be the best 'me' I can be.

That's living to my Sir's standards.

And mine.

kussssssssssssssssssssssss

An interesting year....

2006-12-29T18:42:00.001Z

It's been an interesting year *smiles.

So many changes in my life this year, and it's lovely to be able to look back at some of them on my blog. A blog which I once said I'd never write, because it wasn't 'me'.

I started the year with MP, M:e and MissB - all lovely people who I'm very honoured to know. MP taught me a lot and I'm truly grateful for the time that we spent together - so many wonderful memories to look back on. Thank you Mike - huggggsssssss. M:e is still a big part of my life, and my girls - we're hoping to meet up with her in January (touch wood) and give her the Christmas present we were so happy to find for her !!

Through MissB, in January this year we also met DragonM Sir and lessa - along with other people who I now love to see including Hans and Angel. We went to a play party (my first) where I experienced my first ever electroplay, at DragonM Sir's hands. I was immensely proud of MP doing his shibari demo on MissB, and thoroughly enjoyed my first public play (once I got over my nerves!!!!).

MP and I parted company in the summer, but remain good friends. It was a positive move for both of us, and I'm overjoyed to see how happy he and M:e are. I, of course, now belong to DragonM Sir who is carrying on where MP left off with teaching and mentoring me. He's a wonderful Sir and I'm very lucky to have an amazing sister in lessa. We've had some very memorable times together and I look forward to many more. He's done me a lot of good - he's made me stronger, made me think, made me feel and made me crawl and beg *grins.....he pretty much understands his fox.

I have a truly amazing 'D/s family', and in that family I include friends such as Hans - I really can't imagine going to Holland now without seeing him !! I never in a million years thought that I'd have a Dutch Sir - He's encouraged me in so many many things now, and I'm happily enrolled on a Dutch language course and the proud owner of Dutch grammar books. My faith and trust in him are allowing me to slowly have more faith and trust in myself.....does that make sense??

My vanilla life has changed dramatically too. In January I was at the divorce solicitors, now I've just spent my best ever Christmas with my husband. In many, many ways I've never been happier. Neither have my kids. *smiles.

I think my main New Year resolution is going to be to think less, feel more. I want to stop analysing everything so much and trust my instincts. I can spend too long telling myself what I can't be rather than what I can. I have unbelievably strong memories of standing in front of Sir at Hans' party, him telling me to kneel for him, and me being so desperate to do it but my little voice telling me that I couldn't, for this reason, that reason.....that little voice needs gagging. I need to just trust without second guessing.

I love and trust him and lessa a great deal, and am so glad to be with them. I'm equally glad of my friends and family who are there for me, and to the new friends I met or talked with this year . So to M:e - who will always be my sister, MP, MissB, Hans, Angel, Tiggr, tease, kd, Fian, musi, jr, and everyone else, have a fantastic new year.

To my darling Sir and my amazing, wonderful, gorgeous lessa - all my love, may we make many more memories, and share much more laughter.

Happy New Year

love from

*****fox*****

2006-12-24T02:09:00.000Z

Merry Christmas!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a subbie was stirring, all quiet as a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hope that Master would soon be there

The subbie was nestled all snug in her bed
While visions of tawses danced through her head
Her chains were attached from her bed to her feet
Keeping her legs apart, lest they should meet

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter
Her Master woke her and said, ‘What’s the matter?’
He’d finally got there, and was enormously pleasured
To see his beloved, the slave he so treasured

As she twisted to see him, turning around
To the side of the bed he came with a bound
He was dressed all in black from his head to his foot
All that lovely soft leather as black as old soot

A bundle of toys he held in his sack
All to be used on her ass, or her back
Clamps, canes, electro – all were in there
Waiting to hurt, on the soft flesh she kept bare

His crop, how it hurt! His flogger – oh she groaned!
After using the paddle she whimpered and moaned
The electro it brought her to dizzy delights
As her loving Master had sub space within his sights

The clamps were attached to her nipples and clit
Pain so intense once he removed it
The cane was laid across her naked behind
Leaving a pattern of welts, which she didn’t mind

After many long hours of pain, and of pleasure
Her Master had tormented and teased her at leisure
He gathered his toys up, it was time to go
He kissed her with passion, so tender and slow

He strolled to his car, to his girl gave a whistle
And away he flew, like the down of a thistle
But she heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight….

…..Merry Christmas my darling……sexy dreams, sleep tight !!

Family time....

2006-12-23T23:44:00.000Z

This past couple of weeks have been filled with family time - I've just come back from my 5th family party in two weeks. Lots of us have birthdays in December, plus we have christmas parties that we go to, so tomorrow is one of the few days where we're all at home, getting ready for Christmas Day.

Tomorrow, I'll be in the kitchen with the girls, preparing food for the big meal. Two different stuffings, bacon and sausage rolls, brandy butters, mince pies, sherry trifle.....the house will smell wonderful. I'll be in my element. Each of my girls has a particular 'speciality' in the kitchen, so that they can show off their contribution and be proud. My older daughter makes the most wonderful bacon and sausage rolls - my younger girl does the trifle !!

I'm lucky, I'll be sharing Christmas Day with my family, by which I don't just mean my husband and children. I also mean Sir, lessa and M:e. Because although they won't physically be with me - both of my sisters are, I believe, already with their families for the holiday - they're with me in my heart and mind. They're all a big part of my life, and never more so than on a day as special as Christmas Day.

I'll certainly be raising a glass of Bailey's to them on Christmas Day - and I'll look forward to sharing one with them in real.

All my love to them all.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm back............

2006-12-22T17:28:00.000Z

The lovely gentleman in my husband's ICT department has lent me a pc, so for the moment, I'm back to blogging. I've missed being online so much ! Not being able to chat to my family and friends in IM has been awful.

So much has happened this past couple of weeks - my daughter was in the local newspaper, my birthday, her birthday, so day at the races, my husband's office christmas party where I was dressed up so beuatifully and had men staring at my cleavage all night ( can't think why *sweet smiles*).

I'll post properly soon, but for now just a quick hi - I have SO much blog and email reading to catch up on !!!

lots of love

xxxxxxxxxxxx

guest posting

2006-12-19T17:03:00.000Z

for my sweet sister clare... who still can't be online, she has major pc troubles and so far it seems like she is gonna be gone the rest off the year...

just wish I could have chained your pc... working pc that is...

I miss you...lots....

and there's an empty place on my IM contact list...

lessa

Problems (by DragonM)

2006-12-12T17:23:00.000Z

My fox is having some problems with her computer and it will take a few days before everything is fixed. So it will take some days before she can post again.

DragonM

Pride....

2006-12-11T00:58:00.000Z

This is such a hard posting to write.

I have a stubborn streak. Yes, I know that those of you who know me will be extremely surprised at this news. I hide it well. We're not talking a huge stubborn streak, just a small one - about as wide as the Dartford Tunnel. Or the Channel Tunnel maybe. Well, part of submission is being strong enough to recognise your weaknesses, right?

I get pre-conceived ideas in my head, and once they're there, they're extremely hard to remove.

I had ideas - no, not ideas - beliefs - that I can't be this, I can't be that, I can't do this, I can't do that, about my submission. These beliefs nearly lost me DragonM Sir and lessa, because I wasn't prepared to try to see beyond what I believed.

Sir (and lessa - because it isn't just Him) have given me so much, and allowed me to give so much in return. And the giving is probably better than receiving. My best memories of us all include lessa and I kneeling for Him in France, and seeing His face when He opened His present last week. Priceless.

We've all had long, honest talks this past few days, and basically DragonM Sir and I talked tonight to decide whether we should carry on our relationship. Neither of us could see past the problem we were all facing, although neither of us wanted to lose something so precious, or lose someone we loved very much. And we do love each other - all of us.

Talking, and thinking, then more talking and even more thinking brought me to a conclusion. He loves me, controls me, teaches me, helps me, cares for me, plays with me, and allows me to give Him so much in return. It's all just wrapped up in a different parcel than I'd always envisaged, but He gives me everything I want and allows me to give what I need to give. It would be a massive, massive loss if my small stubborn streak meant that we'd lose all of that.

So I swallowed my pride. I asked Him to keep me. And you have noooooo idea how difficult that was. And He even made me apologise for swearing before He would answer me !! (points out that my stubborn streak is nowhere near as wide as His sadistic streak).

He agreed - that was what He wanted, but He needed me to understand things for myself. And no, it's not a life changing belief, and I'm not comprising myself just to keep Him. I'm opening my mind a bit wider, to try to fit in other possibilities.

Tiggr posted this to me on lessa's blog last week - I know enough of the Dragon to know instinctively that he can and will always provide effortlessly for what you most need... focus on his will, his goals, just trust in him, and in your love. You'll do just fine!. I've re-read that so many times this week.....and it's been just what I needed....thank you *kusssssss.

So huge hugs to Sir and lessa - may we all sleep better now. Thank you for your honesty and your love - it means the world to me.

I think I'll go to bed now.

kusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Just for tease.....

2006-12-11T00:53:00.000Z

Recipe for Tollhouse Cookies

2 1/4 cups plain flour
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened (250 gram)
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup dark brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs
2 cups Chocolate Chips (or 3 bags)
1 cup chopped nuts

Directions:
PREHEAT oven to 375° F, gas mark 5

COMBINE flour, bicarbonate of soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in morsels and nuts. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

BAKE for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

I bought a set of US style measuring cups in Tesco for about £2 - made things much easier.

hugggsssssssss - enjoy !! My kids have eaten half of mine already !!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Baking day....

2006-12-10T16:07:00.000Z

I feel the need to bake, something I love to do - it's soothing, and I love sharing the results.

I was given a recipe for Tollhouse Cookies - the huge, chewy American cookies - by a friend in alt, so I've just downloaded the conversion charts (US to UK measurements) so I'm going to spend a happy couple of hours making them with my little one. Along with muffins, brownies and a steak pie.

Wish me luck ! *smiles

xxxxx

A Big Bear Hug For Lessa......

2006-12-08T23:05:00.000Z

A big bear hug (or should I say knuffel beer *smiles)for lessa . Thanks for your honesty this past couple of days sweetheart, it meant a lot.

And keep the voucher for a free hug - we can use it any time we've had one of our honest talks.

Love you - a lot

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

101 Things To Before You Die - Sexual !!!!

2006-12-07T21:43:00.000Z

Ok, as mentioned in my last post, here are some of the relationship/sexual activities listed in the above book.

1. Have a threesome - who was it with?
2. Have 'kinky' sex (gasps!!!!)
3. Have sex in front of someone else
4. Join the mile high club - who with?
5. Have sex with more than two other people - again, who and where?

have sex in the following places -

6. Under the stars
7. On camera/film
8. In an elevator
9. At work
10. Somewhere inappropriate
11. With someone you shouldn't!
12. In your parents bed
13. At a party
14. In a swimming pool
15. In a churchyard
16. In a limousine
17. At the beach
18. In a car

I must be SOOO innocent according to these !!! I've only done....let's see.....number 1 - 3, 10 - 12. Oh and 18.

*blushes

Anyone else less innocent than me ???

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Meme....

2006-12-07T09:54:00.000Z

This is from the Romantic Mistress website - http://romantic-mistress.blogspot.com/2006/12/another-meme.html. It gave me a smile.....and brought back some memories !! (grins at M:e - I've put my 'things I've done in bold!)

xxx

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea On board my second cruise, leaving Tenerife. Absolutely gorgeous
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise Several times
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables I had a greenhouse, and grew all my own tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, herbs, carrots, radishes etc
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible momentHmmmm....many times, but once in the middle of a play session. Thankfully everyone saw the funny side!
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse I liked the horses name !!
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb and a piglet
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster Whether I wanted to or not, I went on Vogel Rok in Holland
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk Yep - I took care of a drunk friend once - does my shaving his eyebrows WHILE he was drunk make it less of a good thing??
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country Danced with a stranger on a cruise ship at Casablanca
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach Erm....4.30 in the morning, paddling and getting topless *blushes*
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow and a goat
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke Only once at a family party - never again!! (emphasizes the 'never' for Sir's benfit !!)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites I went to Pompeii and cried when I got there, on the same holiday as I visited the Trevi Fountain and the Colosseum
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest Cruella de Vil - I made a full Dalmation fur coat
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stageerm...I performed an Abba concert for my school when I was 12...does that count?? *winks
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didnt stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldnt have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication I wrote articles for the national publication of a former employer
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someones heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone My little toe on my left foot - nothing major! *grins
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school Did 'A' level, various computer courses and a foundation degree, after several years away from school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

I have the book '101 Things to do Before You Die'...that's fantastic. It even lists sexual activities !! *wegs

xxxx

Just in case....

2006-12-05T17:05:00.000Z

Grins - a fire extinguisher for tonight for my sweet sister and my 'hot' Sir.

*sweet, sweet smiles*

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Christmas decorations

2006-12-05T08:55:00.000Z

We have a tradition of putting up our christmas decorations the weekend closest to my birthday ie, about the middle of December. But because of my trip to Holland I'd agreed with the girls that we could do the decorations the day before I left...and these pictures show some of the results.

Like everyone else, we have those big bulk boxes of ornaments for the tree, but since my eldest was born we've had another tradition. Each year I buy a special decoration for each of the girls to put on the tree, or they choose one themselves. Over the years this has meant that a lot of the baubles we use have a special meaning for the children, a little piece of history. For instance, the year that they started riding lessons I bought my youngest a little rocking horse to hang on there. Each decoration has special meaning.

Now, we also have Dutch decorations on there. We have two trees, one in each living room, and both now have several meaningful ornaments that lessa and I bought this weekend. Lessa bought each of the children a little Black Peter (part of Dutch folklore) to hang up, and there are others that I chose. We had a wonderful evening last night, adding the new decorations, talking about how christmas is celebrated in Holland. The girls happily munching on the biscuits and chocolates that were sent to them, me enjoying the wonderful rambol cheese and crackers I brought back. I love the fact that the decorations mean something special.

One decoration that is very special to me was a gift from my darling sister. She bought me a beautiful painted teddy bear as my ornament for the tree, in honour of my youngest calling DragonM Sir her 'cuddly teddy bear'. She said, 'there you go Clare, now you have your own Dragon M to hang on the tree!' Gotta love that sis *grins. So DragonM Sir is now hanging on my main tree - the one in the top pic - next to the armchair where I always sit. I'm sure he's keeping an eye on me !! Lol.

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My 'Virgin' OTK

2006-12-04T20:15:00.000Z

No that's not a misprint......the word 'virgin' on my blog. That photo is evidence of my first OTK spanking, and I think that was the most gentle play I had all weekend !

SO proud !! *grins

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A Dragon M delivery....

2006-12-04T20:04:00.000Z

The lable that was on the case of wine that was waiting for me when I got back *grins.

That man gets everywhere !!!

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I think I'm awake...

2006-12-03T16:16:00.000Z

Ok, I'm awake now. I think.

The whole weekend has been lovely. Necessary talking, lots of time all together, and time with just lessa. Perfect.

Last night we all went to a party at Hans and Angel's house. It was so nice to see them again, I don't think that a trip to Holland would be complete with seeing them now. And Hans mended my ring - the ring that Sir and lessa gave me in the summer had lost a part, which he replaced. It meant so much to have the ring complete again.

When we got to the party, I 'hid' again, not knowing if I could get things straight in my head after all that's happened lately. But Sir left me in no doubt who I belonged to before we even got to the play room. He played with us both at first, including one hell of a strong flogging/spanking session. I'd never had one that hard before. Then after we all relaxed and drank with everyone, He played first with lessa on her own, and then me. My session included a lot of different things including breast bondage (god, those ropes were tight !!), spanking/slapping all over and then the wonderful electro play - using the indirect electro so that the electricty passed through his fingers onto me. I was in heaven!! It was a good thing that I didn't have to ask 'mag ik klaar komen alstublieft'' every time because at number eleven I couldn't even remember my own name let alone how to ask permission to come in Dutch!!!

It was a beautiful evening, and I was so proud to be there as his.

This morning, he woke me quite early (about 9am - we didn't go to bed until about 4!!) and we all had breakfast together. Then he took me down to the soutterain and gave me a 'this will last you until I see you again session'. Very hard play again, kneeling, spanking, crawling, and then somethng he wanted to do in private - he's realised the effect that heat has on me. So, several cigarettes very, very close to a certain part of me, and I was in subbie heaven again. Having to stay so still while he did it, not daring to move while feelings build up in me meant that when I could move...oh my god - I couldn't stop coming. Even after we went upstairs, as soon as he lit a cigarette the feelings flooded back and I was gone again. Several erm....noisy explosions later I actually fell into subspace. I've never experienced all of that before, not being able to stop myself having so many orgasms while he's just looking at me. Not touching....just looking. It totally wiped me out, and a few hours back in bed were definitely in order after he'd gone. Last night we counted to eleven - we (well, he) counted how many this morning...wow...never mind a spank for every year to celebrate my birthday, I think all in all this holiday he gave me an orgasm for each year instead !

I spent a lovely afternoon with lessa, shopping for presents for my girls, and now we're back home having a meal together - possibly with an extra cat loving visitor.

It's been an amazing weekend in so many ways, and I can't thank lessa and Sir enough. I love them both dearly.

But you know one of the highlights of the weekend? At the party last night, Sir had me kneel for him in front of their friends - including Hans and the lovely jr. To do something that means so much to me in front of their friends meant the world to me, and it means even more that he recognised this.

He really does understand his fox.

*smles

Just...

2006-12-03T10:55:00.000Z

Oh

My

God

Last night, my hardest play ever. Then more play afterwards, getting harder. And today he gave me my 'goodbye' present - even harder play....but incorporating something entirely new. I'm still absolutely amazed, and REAllY need to learn to count in Dutch - and no, not to count spankings, but something entirely different!

I really need to go back to bed now - I'm only half lucid (what do you mean, whats new??), and my legs are still shaking. Will post about the lovely time we had and the wonderful people I met later, but for now let's just say....

....I am NEVER going to be able to watch Sir smoking a cigarette again !!

hugggssssssss

Oh Lord !!

2006-12-02T09:27:00.000Z

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror 'cause I get better lookin' each day
To know me is to love me, I must be a hell of a man
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, but I'm doin' the best that I can

I used to have a girlfriend but I guess she just couldn't compete
With all these love starved women who keep clamoring at my feet
Well I probably could find me another but I guess they're all in awe of me
Who cares I never get lonesome 'cause I treasure my own company

I guess you could say I am a loner, a cowboy all locked up and proud
Well I could have lots of friends if I wanted, but then I wouldn't stand out in a crowd
Some folks say that I'm egotistical - hell I don't even know what that means
I guess it has something to do with the way that I fill out my skin tight blue jeans

Grins and RUNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS back to the UK !!

Ok, seriously. For christmas I bought lessa some Portmerion china (well, I live in the
Potteries!!) and a book on the castles of England, one of her passions.

I bought Sir a (tiny) plot of land on the Scottish island where his favourite whisky is made - ownership of any land here gives you the legal title of Lord, hence, he is now legally Lord DragonM, Lord of all he surveys!!

*smiles......but we already knew that.

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Falling in love....

2006-12-02T09:11:00.000Z

Last night I fell in love. A gentleman who looked at me as if I was gorgeous. He settled beside me as soon as we met and hardly moved away. And he did the most amazing things with his mouth !!!

Grins - DragonM Sir is still in my heart. I fell in love with MsB's cat, Bolle. The kittens were lovely (especially the one that isn't Mickey or Jason whose name I can pronounce !!). But Bolle stole my heart. Whe you stroke him he moves his mouth as if he's talking to you. Sadly, I wasn't allowed to cat nap him.

We all had some amazing talks yesterday, and we're so much stronger for it. Yes, we do need to talk more instead of being afraid of hurting each other. We've learnt that - it's a massive learning curve for us all.

We exchanged presents, we hugged, we kissed, we played a bit. But the most important thing we shared was just time. And again, the strength that Sir gives me allowed me to do something that I thought I'd never do.

Being with Sir and lessa, and with RB, is like being at home. And after the misunderstanding between lessa and I was sorted out, we returned to feelingstrong, secure and loved.

Now that really did feel like coming home.

kusssssssssssssssssssss

Today....

2006-12-01T18:53:00.000Z

....I was reminded of a lot of things. Lots of talking, all necessary and all worthwhile. Reminded of how wonderful sister hugs are - I'd missed lessa a lot.

And then a reminder of how hard he can spank, cane and flog...and my first OTK spanking! The photos showed a delightful shade of bright red.

And reminded how effective his 'Dom' face is !! That weak at the knees feeling was DEFINITELY there.

And now, off to a reminder of an old friendship.....visiting the current 'caretaker' of lessa's two beautiful kittens, including 'the one who isn't Mickey or Jason!!' *winks at M:e (people - don't even ATTEMPT to understand that !!)

hugs and kisses

Tomorrow....

2006-11-29T20:31:00.000Z

Ok, Im out of my hiding hole. Kind of.

Tomorrow I'm on the plane to Holland to see Sir and lessa. Not going to be quite the trip we'd planned, I doubt I'll be needing my corset and high heels etc, but there'll be plenty of talking, and thinking.

Who knows what's going to happen. But at least we'll be together, sorting things out. And I still have my christmas presents to give them.

See you next week, maybe.

xx

3 days....

2006-11-27T17:13:00.000Z

In 3 days I'll be in Holland with Sir and lessa. I'm one hell of a lucky girl, in so many ways.

I have two wonderful sisters, who each look after me and care for me in their very different ways. I hope to be able to give as much back to them one day.

I have many friends, both real time and online, who bring so much pleasure into my life. My horizons have broadened so much this past couple of years, and I know it's made me a better person. I love sharing my life with them, and vice versa. I've met some wonderful people in the lifestyle, all of whom are totally different, all of whom have unique relationships - Dragon M Sir and lessa, MP and M:e, Fian and kd, and others I've met r/t who have made a big impression on me, such as Hans and Angel. It's good for me to see the variety of M/s partnerships - and I really do believe that it's a partnership. It has to be a two way street.

I'm extremely lucky that I have DragonM Sir. He knows that I have many hurdles to jump in my submission, but He doesn't remove the hurdles for me, He makes me strong enough to jump them. I still have many insecurities, which grow less and less with time. I know I'm going to face quite a lot of these fences, but as M:e said the other day, I'm getting to know what my flashpoints will be, and prepare myself for them. I'm getting better at knowing myself.

Sir's patience is amazing. I have a history of pushing myself, to try to prove myself, but with Sir I'm learning that I don't have to. Things will be done in His time, not mine. But He takes care that although we do things in His time, He never lets me feel neglected, never lets me feel that I'm just an additional body He can call on should He choose to do so. Sometimes I make myself feel that I'm an extra burden for Him, but thats of my own making because of my insecurities - not His doing.

He doesn't demand anything from me except honesty - He has never demanded my submission at all, it's freely given. He doesn't give me things to do just to prove my submission, He knows it's there. In my ...shall we say 'worrying' moments.....I sometimes wonder if I give Him what He needs, because I'm in another country, etc. My friends know how much I can worry about the slightest thing. I know that I can't give Him 'more' submission. I can just give Him me.

I know that as time goes on, He will make more demands of me, and I will gladly meet them. But we're going at His pace, as He sees fit *smiles.

I'm giving Him what He wants right now - honesty, an open mind and trust. Other things will slowly come. And I hope that I meet those demands just as happily.

kussssssssssss for my Sir
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Ok....a question.....

2006-11-25T17:58:00.000Z

I lay in my bath a while ago, exfoliating, scrubbing...generally making myself all soft and lovely, when I had this thought....

Should I instead be taking salt baths or something, trying to toughen my skin up for all the hard play Sir has promised me for next week? *grins. Or should I carry on making my skin as soft and touchable as possible, which of course means I'll mark more easily.

Grins....oh decisions, decisions !!

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Good news....

2006-11-25T11:44:00.000Z

I had some good news this morning, so I thought I'd share it *smiles.

As some of you may know, I'm after a pub. I've just finished my contract at the school so I'm looking to work in a local pub to get at least six months of experience and then look to finding a pub summer next year, aiming to move in probably around early September. This will coincide with the kids hopefully starting new schools in the area, and also to give me time to get used to it before the busy Christmas season. I have my husband's full support on this, and also the support of Sir, lessa and M:e.

Two weeks ago I attended a training session with one of the major breweries, and pulled my first pint in a long time *grins. They have the majority of suitable size/type pubs in the area and they offer one of the best training and support packages.

I just received a phone call from their area manager, telling me that after a regional meeting yesterday, my name has been added to a 'hot potential' list - any training that comes up they will offer to me free of charge, and they'll arrange for me to get experience in different pubs that are on their books. There's a lot of benefits to being listed, as it means I'm permanently 'there' in their minds which will be of enormous help next summer !! Not many people actually get listed, so it's given me quite an ego boost that, as the gentleman said, my people skills were entirely obvious as was my managerial background. They want to make sure I stay in the fold when it comes to choosing a pub/brewery next year.

I know how much hard work a pub is. I used to work in my aunty's pub, doing virtually all the food and serving behind bar when necessary, and I know I only saw a part of what it takes to run a successful pub. But I'm going to try.

I've been after a pub for a couple of years now, but put it off for a while because I needed to concentrate on my marriage - that was my priority. Now the hard work is only starting, to work and train ready for next summer.

So next Christmas, hopefully, touch wood, keeping my fingers crossed etc, I'll be in a pub - working hard and probably not posting on my blog anymore because I won't have the time !! But it will be worth it.

And it's nice to know that the brwery think I'm worth trying to hold onto as a potential landlady *smiles.

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Baby You're the best......

2006-11-24T10:23:00.000Z

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

I wasn't lookin', but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above me
The man who loved me
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin'
But just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby
Darling, you're the best

Enough said *smiles
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One week....

2006-11-23T08:18:00.000Z

A week today Sir picks me up from the airport....He's promised an interesting drive home *grins

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Nightwear....

2006-11-22T23:19:00.000Z

I found this picture of pyjamas - very similar to some cute 'mouse' ones I have. I took them with me to France (erm, no I don't know why either!) but when I teasingly said I'd go and put them on instead of my sexy red nightdress He almost made me wear them just to call my bluff ! I think it would have killed the mood somehow, especially as that was the night that I did the arabic dance for Him ! lol.

Don't think I'll take them to Holland next week *grins

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Push the limits....

2006-11-22T17:15:00.000Z

Push the Limits is the name of this lovely artwork from Artnam. (Me? Push limits? Let's not get into THAT discussion !! lol). But I saw the picture, and you know my first thought?

Wonder how that hairstyle would look in brown or red??

I kinda didn't notice her being naked etc etc.....I'm normally quite observant about these things - trust me, I normally notice if a gorgeous woman is butt naked !

But I'm considering going from my current very dark brown to more of an auburn, and I sort of didn't notice she had no clothes on.

You think I'm losing my innocence?

xxxxx

There you go lessa !!

2006-11-21T22:14:00.000Z

grins....for next Saturday night
xxxxx

Catching up....

2006-11-21T15:35:00.000Z

I spoke to a friend of mine last night who I've known for many years, but due to her moving away and my resignation from the training organistion we with with, we hadn't spoken for about six - eight months.

It was great to catch up again. We've shared a room at many posh hotels when we've attended national balls and international dinners. One night in particular springs to mind, when I was all dolled up in my finery, having finished the formal part of the evening including toasting the Queen. The disco had started and all of a sudden Amarillo came on. I just dissolved into hysterical laughter (him singing Amarillo was one of the few things that made me call 'RED!' with MP !!). I had visions of him standing with his flogger, marching to Amarillo and talking to all the assembled dignitaries, including international presidents and local MPs and the mayor ! J just looked at me as if I was nuts, and I explained (kind of !!) about the in joke with MP and M:e. It was a fantastic evening. I actually miss those dinners now - never thought I would. I even miss the ball gowns !! *grins

J asked me what I'd been up to since we last met, anything interesting? 'Oh yes !!!' I replied, 'I've been on one of Europe's largest indoor/undergound rollercoasters, been on a speedboat, held a tarantula, had a week in Holland, a few days in the South of France, learnt Arabic dancing, performed a dance for someone, I fly off for weekends abroad.....had an interesting few months'.

I heard her jaw drop. 'You? You hate rollercoasters'.

'Yep.'

'You were terrified of spiders.'

'Yep.'

'You were frightened stiff of flying.....now you fly on your own???'

'Yep,'

'Bloody hell woman.....what are you on? HRT??'

Grins.....I could hardly tell her that nope, wrong initials, it's actually BDSM,. now could I ?

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Back to school....

2006-11-20T15:43:00.000Z

My older daughter had her parents' day today, and as usual the teacher was over the moon with her performance, they think she's wonderful (she is), they think she's so mature (she is), they think she's lucky to have such supportive parents (*blushes* well I couldn't possibly comment!).

I had issues I had to raise this time however. In various classes the teachers are unable to control the more trouble making element, which leaves the rest of the class unable to learn. It took the english teacher seven lessons just to watch a thirty five minute video of the Tempest. My daughter also came home last week covered in weals and bruises all over her legs where one particularly obnoxious girl had whipped her legs with an elastic band (about 4 foot long, tied around a pupil used to denote different teams in sport). The teacher had already left the class in tears so no-one was controlling the students. She was so upset. I hugged her, talked to her and got the arnica cream.....(trust me sweetheart, this DOES work on bruises).

In my meeting today, I was friendly, took their opinions and points of view into account, but remained firm on wanting to see action and requesting regular feedback in one week, two weeks and then a month to enable me to monitor the situation. Totally professional, still leaving with a smile and a handshake. I never raised my voice or lost my temper.

So why can't I do that in my D/s?

I'm getting so much better at talking to Dragon M Sir, being able to voice concerns or questions. But sometimes I work myself up so much about something that the only way I can approach is to blurt it out, before I lose courage. Each time this happens I explode, then His calm rational approach takes the wind out of my sails, and the anger or frustration dies a death. And each time, after the fireworks, I feel stronger with Him and my submission goes that little bit deeper. I just really, really wish I (and of course Sir) didn't have to experience the whole fireworks too.

I nearly closed my blog yesterday, for various reasons. Pure frustration at so many things led me to the 'delete blog' page. But the lovely things on there over the last few months stopped me doing it.

I know my long term D/s future is with DragonM Sir - I'm not doubting that. Whether its as His fox, His sub, or His slave....as He's been asked....who knows? I'll always be His fox. What we have has to be right between all of us, and none of us are ready to move it forward yet....certainly not me. Nobody elses opinion on whether I'm right for poly matters. We're not poly.......we're us. The three of us.

When I'm in Holland next week, I'll be kneeling for Him at the party on Saturday night. I'll be so proud to do so, but you know what? I wouldn't kneel differently, or play differently, or submit differently to Him if I was collared, tattoed, branded, or had a slave registry number permanently engraved on my arse. I'm still me, I'm still His. I still give Him as much as I can.

I still have one hang up, (no not suspension)that means I find it really hard to let go that final bit in hard play, because I'm afraid of saying something I shouldn't. Lol, even so, He still mangaged to get me to let go enough to get into sub space in France !! He and lessa both know about it, and sort of understand. He still has my no-limits, which I think we all established before in various blog chats actually means I abide by HIS limits. And He applies this no-limits to all aspects of our relationship, not just the play. That surprised me.

He's made me strong enough to admit my weaknesses on here - that took an amazing amount of courage at first. But He's also making me strong enough to acknowledge my strengths. And that's actually harder.

An excerpt from my daughter's report today - it's time that M started having the confidence to believe in herself, to believe that she is more than capable of achieving regardless of what her peers say.

Sound familiar?

I think I need to write lines.....*grins

kussss en knuffels

Waiting....

2006-11-19T15:18:00.000Z

My youngest daughter is, at this moment, doing her karate grading for her blue belt - I'm almost sick with worry. She, her sister amd Dad all studied karate for about three years, my older daughter gave it up this summer, but my baby is still doing it. She has been practising hard all week with her father, with any luck they'll both come home with blue belts. For my husband, I'm really nervous - he has to have a hip replacement within a couple of months so this will be his last attempt at a belt. For his pride's sake he wants to go out on a high.

My baby isn't really a good loser, if she doesn't get this blue belt she'll be so upset. She hasn't developed my older daughter's sense of well, at least I tried and it was a great experience. Then again, I don't suppose many seven year old have that yet.

So, I'm sitting here nervous as hell, waiting for them to come back. In thirty five minutes it will be over. I can't really go and watch her because we discovered that my presence at karate seems to put her into 'baby' and 'show off' mode, so I have to wait here ...SO hard !!

She deserves to pass for all the hard work she's put in, my husband certainly deserves it just for his don't give up attitude. It actually hurts me to see him practise because of the pain it causes him - his hip is pretty much worn away. If he considers carrying on training after today, I may have to turn Domme and bin his kit. It hurts seeing someone you love hurting so much.

So...fingers crosses that they'll pass. I know that they'll do their best, but I'm not sure how my youngest will handle it if she doesn't get that belt. I'm sure M:e remembers various displays of her 'inability to lose gracefully' *grins.

kusssssssssssssssss

UPDATE

They both got their blue belts!!!! I have a very tired and excited daughter and a very aching husband !! *grins

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Congratulations....

2006-11-18T16:23:00.000Z

and a few bottles of champagne to my lovely sister on her back lacing. It's gorgeous sweetheart.

Biggg huggs

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The big '100'

2006-11-17T08:58:00.000Z

Yay me !! I reached the big 100 !! At least as far as my blog is concerned.

Yep, this is my 100th posting. Not bad, considering that when I started my blog, I did it on a one month trial period basis. I’m amazed that I’ve reached this point, as I was never a regular contributor on my old ‘family’ blog.

I started this blog at the end of May – since then there’s been quite a lot of changes and events in my life-

• I quit a lot of my volunteer activities to give me more time with my family
• My husband and I agreed to try again, and stop our divorce – it seems to have worked, we’re happier than we’ve been in a long time
• My girls met Dragon M Sir, lessa and RB – I took them to Holland and spent a week there, and they absolutely loved it, visiting a safari park, a theme park, boat rides, shopping trips and just being all together
• My release
• Dragon M Sir taking me as His fox – teaching me so much, but still so much to learn
• A holiday with Sir and lessa in France
• My assault at school
• Finishing my contract at the school, to the relief of virtually everyone who knows me
• Having the confidence to learn Arabic dancing
• My daughter getting four Outstanding Achievement awards at school
• Re-decorated the entire house!
• Ran a full 6 week activity program at school for over 300 kids
• Got 3 kids onto a university project – a small thing but something I’m SO proud of
• Starting on an ECDL (European Computer Driving Licence) course
• Becoming an exam invigilator
• Had minor surgery on my womb
• Held a tarantula
• Went on a rollercoaster and DIDN’T throw up
• Started learning Dutch seriously (and yes, one of the first things I learnt was to ask for permission to come !)
• Rode on a speedboat
• Experienced sub space
• Started another blog, a private one

So many things in such a short time – here’s to my 200th posting *smiles

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2 weeks....

2006-11-16T20:15:00.000Z

....and still counting !! 2 weeks today I get picked up at Schipol by a VIP *grins.

And I PROMISE, lessa, I won't rip His clothes off !! *laughing

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For lessa....

2006-11-16T20:10:00.000Z

I saw this picture and thought of lessa straight away !!

Have a great time tomorrow morning sweetheart, you'll be brilliant, and I'll be thinking of you.

Love you
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In her mother's footsteps?

2006-11-15T21:42:00.000Z

My beautiful seven year old came home from school today, happily skipping alongside me as we walked home. She started telling me in excited whispers that she'd got a boyfriend !!! She told me all about him, then informed me that he had THREE girlfriends...my daughter and her two best friends !! 'But that's ok isn't it Mummy? A boy can have more than one girlfriend can't he? We all get to have MUCH more fun !!'

God help me on the walk home from school tomorrow - apparently, the boy is planning on playing kiss chase !

I still have vivid memories of my daughter sitting contentedly at Dragon M Sir's feet watching Him put His shoes on ready for a trip out....then asking, 'Can I do that for you?' The look on both our faces was priceless - is submission genetic??? Lol.

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A lesson learned, and an apology

2006-11-14T23:19:00.000Z

‘I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become’

I think that is one of the lessons which I posted from subtle slavegirl’s blog, which I identified with most.

It’s something that a very good friend has told me on a regular basis. That yes, I may view a set of circumstances in a certain way because of my history and experiences, but I can choose how I react to them. It’s that choice that I’m sometimes very bad at.

I think most of my friends would agree that I’ve changed an enormous amount in the past few months, and the way I react to things has changed accordingly. But in some cases, I still revert to my ‘hiding in a cave in self preservation mode’. I did this recently, choosing to hide in my cave over an upset and then come out all guns blazing....at the wrong person.

I often see MP in room in Alt, where we both still visit, albeit it on a less regular basis. We did our usual teasing, tormenting each other, talking about past events which people have often seen us do. The difference was, this time Dragon M Sir was in room too. At the time I enjoyed the chat – it’s fun, and I’m proud of the way that MP and I still relate. We’re good friends and still IM. As you know, MP is going to Holland this week, and will be meeting Dragon M Sir, along with lessa, M:e and Ms Butterfly.

The day after this happened I visited alt again, to be faced with several comments about it being wrong that MP and I are still so friendly. Why? Comments about its wrong that MP and Sir meet and are on friendly terms. Why? According to whose rules??

I got really upset at this, and had a very emotional talk (blushes and admits I was pretty much shouting at her in IM) with M:e about it. I started off blaming MP, saying that he shouldn’t have talked like that in room. But we finally got it down to me admitting that it wasn’t MP’s fault – I actually love joking with him in room, and talking about hotels with nosy managers, and jokes about things we’ve done in the past. What had actually upset me, and made me so, so angry is that the people in room had made me feel as if the relationship we all have was ‘dirty’. I was told that it must be a poly family of 6 or 7 or however many – all the girls are interchangeable, of no value, its all just about sordid sex and multiple partners. Yes, I KNOW they're only online people, but it still hurt.

I am SO proud of the relationship we all have, the way we all interact and look out for each other. I have two sisters who would almost kill for me (and I for them), my kids have two ‘aunties’ who they adore. I have a friend in MP who I know I could go to if I ever needed help. I saw the concern he had for me over the assault at work. Grins….he and I were even discussing the ideal treatments for the ceiling in his office when he showed it to me on cam the other day! And last but by no means least…I have Sir…..who has shown me what I CAN be, if I trust myself and Him enough. He has been so good for me, and I hope to be everything I can be for Him, and for me. I love that man.

Why do people say that this type of friendship is harmful or dirty? We’re all grown up enough not just to stay polite acquaintances, but true friends. M:e and I were teasing on the phone only a few days ago about what she was packing and not packing to take to Holland for when she sees MP. We often talk about lovely times we’ve shared, and I love those memories. I love the way that she and I can talk about what her relationship with him so easily. Seeing MP on cam was great, it was like seeing M:e – a good friend whose company I enjoy – no resentment, no recriminations, just friendship. When we parted company, I had a choice - to become embittered and blame him for everything or to act my age and enjoy his friendship. And for once, I made the right decision.

I owe M:e a big apology for the way I reacted to this whole situation. I blamed her Master for something instead of actually seeing that it was the room’s reaction that I was angry with. And she was rightly protective of him, as I would be of Sir. I wouldn’t want to change the way MP and I interact in room any more than I want to change any of the other relationships we all have.

As for the fools in room who claimed that the girls must be 'interchangable, of no real value'....I've never yet met a Dom more proud of their girls than Dragon M Sir and MP. MP and M:e are perfect together, a wonderful team, and I'm proud to have shared a great year with them. Dragon M Sir and lessa are equally amazing, and I know how much they treasure each other. I can't imagine one without the other, and I'm proud to have my future with them, no matter how many times I nearly screw it up for myself through sheer stupidity and lack of self confidence.

So all the people I love will be together this week, and I hope they have a blast. They deserve a wonderful time together, and I hope they all get the rest and enjoyment that they need.

Big huggsssssssssss for my darling lessa and M:e, 'hugs n stuff' for MP

A huge huge and all my love for Sir, kusssssssssssssss